tiltheyalloverflow

The bigger it gets, the bigger it’s going to get.

The more I think about thinking about it, the more I think this is the time it’s going to get me.

Too busy laughing at the fact that having so much power, leaves me powerless to fix it.

But laughing is good for you.

I thought I was dying.

Unresolved on one side: When I didn’t stick up to Males

One time, you said that the love of my life and I were “too much”. That we touched “too much”. That it made you laugh. I regret laughing it off with you like it didn’t bother me, because I know that you would have her in a heartbeat if you could.

One time, at a party - post-funeral of a dear mutual friend - you were drunk and slapped my ass and said “Yeah!! Woo!!” I didn’t know what to do, but with a mere slap on the wrist and a nervous laugh, the moment was over.

One time, you stood on the corner of a busy street and held your camera in your hand like you were taking pictures, but as any female passed you, the camera followed at chest level. When I passed you and noticed this, I turned back with a stare to let you know I knew - when really, I wish I threw your camera into the intersection.

One time, you were being really weird and pushy on the streetcar, and you had your phone out in front of you. I had my headphones in, but slowly I realized you were getting in position to make a girl feel very uncomfortable by filming her and trying to get her to talk to you. And you laughed about it as you saved it for god knows what later. When you turned in my direction, I got off the street car early, instead of grabbing you by the balls and throwing you off first.

One time, when I was 10, you were in line in front of us to get into the pool area. You asked what time it was but I didn’t hear you. You grabbed my wrist with a disgusting smile on your face and checked it yourself. My friend’s mom had to tell you off and remind me that that wasn’t okay.

Many times, when I was too young, you made a place that I was supposed to be safe in, a very scary world. You took something I didn’t even know I had.

Now I wait for the next time, hoping to instantly resolve for the first time.

I felt hard. I feel that way sometimes.

When I forget to look outside or

when I forget how soft you are.

You are the one that taught me things

can feel good and things can feel safe.

I can feel good and I can be safe.

I just thought about your hands.

I thought about how you glide them over mine

and slip your fingers right where they seem 

to belong.

And I remembered that things can be really,

really beautiful.